i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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