cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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