Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
