This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Damn victory sex feels great
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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