My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We got so high we made milksteak
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
