I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You are a genius and a whore.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
