At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
