I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
