The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize