she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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