the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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