You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
