after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
