ya dads aren't the best wingmen
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
