I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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