So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
