So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
