Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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