I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
