Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Text me some of your sweat
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
