when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
