I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
