she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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