i'm signing you up for texting rehab
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize