Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I came so hard my ears popped.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
