I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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