I think I died a long time ago.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize