I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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