Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
