Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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