I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I am midnight drunk by noon
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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