So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
