Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
