can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize