Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
