You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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