They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
