I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
