do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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