genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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