The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
