I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
