help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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