I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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