The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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