can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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