Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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