have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
