don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
This house was built for laser tag.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
