he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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