anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
