he looks like a really good dad on facebook
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
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