Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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