i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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