it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
