Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
