I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't deserve a penis
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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