why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize