just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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