Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
