At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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