Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
